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I have had just about enough of Panda Bear’s antics. That little hoodlum follows me around, and then wants to lay way too close to me for no apparent reason. He has no concept of keeping a socially acceptable distance from me, like about 10,000 miles. And then there’s the butt sniffing.

Panda Bear runs around and chases Meerkat, his sister, and she often seems to egg him on. Kids. I just don’t get it. But then he goes and bites her really hard or sits on her head. Or bites her while sitting on her head.

Panda Bear inhales his stinky goodness at the speed of light. Then he pushes his way into my food dish while I am still playing with it. Doesn’t he know anything about appearing to be finicky, even if you like what the humans put into the dish? You have to play hard to get, obviously a lesson he has yet to learn.

If I could just get my paws on some ritalin to add to Panda Bear’s food when he’s not looking … the way he eats he wouldn’t even notice. Heh.

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sycophant:  n. a servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people.
(dictionary.com, american heritage dictionary)

there he is just sitting on missus human’s lap and purring like his life depended on it.  and the way he took to the presents she brought!  i for one am not as easily bought.  here’s my idea of a cool cat toy:

An Even Better Toy!

between my brother and big grey cat, i don’t know who is the worse lackey. they follow missus human around from room to room and then (gasp!) sit in her laphave they no pride?  they worship mister human in the same manner.

big grey cat meets the humans every time they come in through the front door.  in fact, now that i remember it, when the missus human opened the door to our dorm room at the boarding school, my brother immediately jumped into missus human’s arms and turned on the purr-motor.  i guess i should have seen this coming.

you won’t catch me fawning all over the humans like my brother and big grey cat.  i will continue to resist the humans’ attempts to turn me into a groveling, kowtowing lap cat.  i am kitten, hear me roar!

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Last night was the first night I spent together with the hoodlums kittens.  So, to demonstrate my displeasure, I decided to show off my old war injury to the humans. 

When the lady human came out of her sleeping room, I tucked my front right paw up to my chest and started hopping on my remaining three legs.  She immediately got worried and started petting me.  Yay!  It worked.  She called to man human and he got worried, too.  Yay!  More sympathy.  I could tell the hoodlums kittens were jealous I was getting all the attention. 

The lady human picked up part of the box that chirps, pushed some buttons, and started talking about me and my war injury.  She put the box down and said something cryptic to the man human:  “Doctor Keith at nine fifteen”.  They both seemed relieved, so just to cause more angst, I slipped into their sleeping room and hid under the bed! 

They went away for a while with the hoodlums kittens, but came back soon enough.  They had to “get ready” because it was “nine o’clock”.  Next thing I know the hoodlums joined me under the bed.  Then the lady human started poking me with the bird on a string.  It was annoying me, so I decided to make my escape!  Unfortunately, I was still playing up my war injury, so I couldn’t get away too fast on my other three legs.  Darn!  The lady grabbed me and put me into the larger portable room.  Hoodlum boy decided to taunt me by sitting outside the jailhouse door.  Meanie. 

Next thing I knew, I was being carried outside to the big shakey box teleporter.  The man and the lady got in the front and started making the shakey box shake.  I was worried they were taking me to another forever home because I had played up my war injury.  After a short time they took me out of the teleporter and everything was different.  Now they took me into a smelly building, which I was hoping wasn’t my new forever home.  It smelled like lots of fellow felines and some doggies had peed, and then someone tried to cover it up. 

The people in the smelly building let me out of the portable room and put me on some platform and called out 10.6!  Something about pounds.

The people put us all in a room and I sat on the man human’s lap to wait for whatever would happen next. 

Me and the man human wait for whatever would happen next.

I thought this might be a good time to tell them about my war injury, but I didn’t quite know how to tell them, so I kept quiet.  Pretty soon, a man came in wearing a white coat.  He talked nice to me and started squeezing my war injury.  Then he put a piece of cold silver with a rubber hose on my chest and moved it around my chest.  It was cold!  Then he said something about wanting to take pictures of my war injury!  Yay!  I get to pose for pictures.  The hoodlums don’t get to have this much fun!

The man in the white coat took me to a dark room where they put on funny jackets and told me not to move!  This must have been the picture taking.  I smiled as best as I could. 

The lady in the purple coat took me back to the humans and then the man in the white coat took the humans with him out to another place.  It wasn’t far away, so I could make out little bits of the conversation.  Things like:

“his medical history started the day you adopted him”

“old trauma on his outside toe in the process of healing”

“notice how the bones don’t line up just right”

“could do something major but would be in the same place six weeks down the road”

“keep him comfortable and let it heal itself”

“running a fever, not related to the fracture”

“make sure he eats”

“give him this once a day”

Other than the indecency of having a cold metal object shoved somewhere totally inappropriate, the whole experience wasn’t so bad. The humans took me home, and the lady gave me some baby food for a snack. I took a long nap becuase after all this action, I was exhausted.

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Yesterday morning, the lady left but the man stayed home with us. We had a great time hanging out with him. For a human, he is particularly well-schooled in playing kitten games. He is much better at games than the lady.

First we played “Chase the Indoor Bird on a String”.

Then, the man turned on the television and let us watch Animal Planet, so we caught a rerun of Meerkat Manor.

Then the man let my sister and I play “Bite Each Other Until You Squeak”, and he did not try to break up our fun like the lady does!

Speaking of the lady, when she got home from “running errands” she brought us some more cans of stinky goodness, as well as some bouncy squishy balls to bat around. But best of all, she brought us this:

MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! 

Two Kalahari-Themed-Duplex-Cat-Cubes!! So even though she does not know much about how to play with a kitten, apparently she does know something about what a kitten wants. It took the man and lady awhile to figure out how to attach the two cubes together, and then we were in business! I figured out if you sit inside one of the cubes and spin in circles fast enough, you can tip the whole thing over sideways!

Big Grey Kitty kind of sniffed the Kalahari-Themed-Duplex-Cat-Cubes, and Sister took a few tentative tours, but was also largely unimpressed. So it looks like this great feat of human engineering will be MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!

In other news, the humans still haven’t figured out what our names are. For now, the man is calling me “nonononono (giggle)” and the lady is calling me “NO GET DOWN FROM THERE” and occasionally “STOP THAT”. Needless to say, none of these are my name.

We will clue them in soon enough. For now, it is great to ignore their attempts at discipline. If they don’t know my name, I don’t have to listen!